K11
varoituksena verta, suudelmia, hilpailua ja maininnan tasolla seksiä (+ vampyyrejä) (++ ajatuksen tasolla kuolemaa).
A/N: luin runoja ja kuuntelin sekavaa musiikkia. tarvitseeko selittää enemmän? tästä tuli vähän pitkä ja sekava mutta toivottavasti tästä saa jotain selvää. nimi on the death ridersin kappaleesta mary.
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It's nine am and I'm sixteen, like I used to be all these years ago, you're sixteen too, and though I still look like what I looked like all these years ago you look like a porcelain doll, your eyes wide and skin pale, white as snow and first rays of sunlight hitting the bed in the corner of a motel room, and you're sleeping. It feels like what it used to feel like, only that darkness is not as scary as it was back then and you're not in my bed strictly because you're afraid. You have grown so much, not only mentally but physically too, and your toes are cold against mine, warm arms around my middle, and darling, I am so sorry.
I'm sorry for these restless nights, I am, every single cell of me, some of them more than others. Sorry for the smiles I sold to you, for you and darling, don't look into the sun - it's my fault that it's black, and I'm sorry about that too.
And here we are, at the darkest end of the universe, your eyes foggy and your body heavy against mine, I'm keeping you up because that's what I do, I'm sorry about that, darling, but I need you like this and oh, how beautiful you are with tears streaming down your face and blood making it's way down the side of your neck.
And I am sorry about not giving you what I promised, taking it all away instead, screaming nonsense into the air, my fingernails leaving deeper marks into the wood than I ever expected or meant, it's not your fault and I'm sorry for saying it was.
Like how I'm sorry for the endless dance, the blades and what I never said, you're not as pure as you used to be, but frankly, what were you expecting? Because what you know is how you're my Canis Majoris and how I would name stars after you, given the chance, I would, trust me, darling. Because that's how much you know and really, I don't know much more myself.
You're not a child anymore and neither am I, you look so much older than yesterday, your eyes are full of fog and lifeless days, unloved days, nonexistent romances, and how wide your eyes are, bluer than the sky and clear like the water, but the water is full of fog and tell me, darling, tell me how the light would never save us, will never save us, tell me how it's just as cruel as the darkness. Tell me you'd rather live hundred years in the darkness with me than a day in the light alone, tell me, because I would and look how the light possesses us as we run through it, look how I shimmer and you do, too - but later you curl up against me, and your eyes are dull again. And what I would do to make them shine again, pierce through the darkness with the power you used to hold - but I'm sorry that my lights could never shine through your fog. I'm sorry that it's my fault.
Tell me you would never leave me, how you would never ruin me, roll us around and press yourself against me, the sweat-slicked press of your chest against mine, and it's hard to breathe but your eyes are wide, and I'd never make you trust me, I'm not worth it, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that you don't shine as bright as you used to. I'm sorry that nowadays you're more like a shell than a soul.
But do you remember how we ran barefoot across the garden? Do you remember the feeling of the grass tickling your ankles, the sun setting heavily over us, do you remember how your eyes crinkled on the corners when you smiled and told me you had touched the stars - do you remember how I kissed you like I had touched them too? I'm sorry for it all - sorry for making your lip bleed, sorry for ruining your clothes, sorry for running. I am sorry for making you my horizon, sorry for the way life never was good for you. I'm sorry for that stupid human heart of mine; I control it better now.
Darling, I whisper, and you don't shy away, not anymore, and I wrap myself around you and trust me, I will never let you go; I am the setting sun and the fire in the slowly burning homes, the light in the horizon and oh, please, tell me it's okay, tell me you love me no matter how flawed this inhuman mind of mine is, no matter how dead my skin is and how cold your fingertips feel nowadays when they trace mindless patterns on my skin, tell me that dream again, how you love me with all of your soul, tell it to me and whisper it into the air, twist your fingers in my hair and love me. And you get lost in everything you have, everything you lost and aren't they just the same thing in the end? And watch me, dear, I'm singing while they burn Rome, God never really forgave either of us, because a boy who loves a boy is dead anyway, at least in a city like this where they hung us. And I'm so sorry for making you like this, I'm selfish even in the moonlight, and oh, love, believe me when I say I only ever wanted to protect you, I do, I did, I always will, and darling, don't burst your lungs, you still can't breathe underwater. Please don't cry when the curtains fall and I stumble through the daybreak into your arms.
And look how we dance, in the darkest of the nights, through the black corridors and the feeling of your blood rushing through the solar system of our cells, oh, how it makes me feel alive, how you told me you couldn't die, and darling, the sight of blood streaming down your neck will never stop being enough, like the way the light flickers in your hair; we're just two undead broken human beings craving for love.
Like the big bad wolf and little red riding hood, your cheeks are turning scarlet with the press of my palms, I have a tight hold on the rope but you're not on the other end and even if you are it's just a hook around your neck, and it's my turn to be quiet as I hang you like I hung our clothes after that time I took everything you had to give without even stopping to think - because you're just a boy with broken eyes and longer eyelashes than the mile long runs we had, a runaway boy and idle teen, we painted the walls black and you breathed smoke into my mouth, I swallowed it all like it was air and I was drowning, and the most I remember about that time is how you used to wear t-shirts with Nirvana logo on them. And baby, I carved thousands of your faces into the walls after you were taken away, carved every single one of them with a toothpick into the thick wood with care, love and all that, I carved your face all around me when I was alone. And they could never really take you from me.
And I'm sorry for those times they made you feel worthless, those times you cried and I'm sorry for being a coward - trust me, honey, if I was braver I would have killed them with my bare hands, sank my teeth into their necks and bit until they'd collapse, drink them dry and leave them to die. Because what they deserve is unlived life and people like you and me kicking at their gravestones, screaming because of all the things they did. But I am no God and neither are you, and they got away with it, they live in filthy apartments and work as cleaners, but we have the whole world and the heaven too, and darling, tell me you love it, tell me this is what you wanted, tell it to me again and again until I believe it, breathe it into my mouth and whisper it against my neck, scream it as I bite into your neck, I want to taste it in your blood as it flows through my throat. Because your frame is still shivering in the dark, I'm not cold and you're quiet, pretty like a doll and I kiss you hard on the mouth, teeth clashing and honey, how you wake me up from this spell, each kiss feels like the first breath after coma, explosions in the sky are not really real, I'm sorry about that too.
I can love you more than this; slam my back against the windowless walls, darling, and love me like the sun loves the moon, teeth and nails and lips and blood, you're everything I have and everything I lost, you're everything I'll ever have and more. You're the thousand lights flickering just out of my vision, the shadows I lose every time I turn around;
I'm sorry for the wicked smiles and blood on my hands, but darling, I'm not sorry for making you mine.
