Author: Beatrix Bones
Title: The Sparkling Case of Twilight
Rating: K11
Fandom: Twilight
Genre: Huumori, parodia
Warnings: Viittaukset pedofiliaan
Disclaimer: Kaikki tunnistettava (mm. hahmot) kuuluvat Stephenie Meyerille, minä vain leikittelen niillä.
A/N: Mä sain inspiksen kirjoittaa tälläsen parodian Twilightista.
Mä oon nuorempana ollut tosi kova Twilight-fani ja katon edelleen niitä leffoja silloin, kun haluan pistää aivot narikkaan. Tässä parodiassa on sekotettu asioita kirjoista ja elokuvista, toivottavasti pidätte! // Unohdin!! Osallistuu
Multifandom IV -haasteeseen.
The Sparkling Case of Twilight
So, Twilight. Or should I say the saga that ruined vampires for me. Like… they…
sparkle? All of them don’t even drink human blood? That doesn’t sound like vampires to me – at least scary vampires. “I’m so sorry, sir, but your sparkling dazzled me from noticing your sharp teeth and murderous stare.” And to think that the books were written because of a one dream at night. Maybe I should try to write a book next time I see one of my weird dreams again. How about a saga inspired by throwing children off a cliff? That would be something along the lines of Game of Thrones 2.0: The Destruction of the Children.
The saga can be described in various ways, like
How to Get Away with Sparkling,
I Know What You Did Last Sunny Day,
Resisting Blood,
The Breakfast-Blood Club and
Pretty Little Vampires.
I would also like to say something about the characters.
Bella Swan. The girl of facial expressions – or, actually, just one. Is she happy? Is she angry? Is she sad? One can never know. But what we do know is that she’s basically nuts. Like the girl fell in love with a guy who visibly disliked her smell in a class. This reminds me of those girls who so badly want the guy that doesn’t like them. And what about the fact the she found out that the guy was a dangerous vampire who could potentially kill her. Run away? Nooooooo. Instead, fall in love even more and beg him to come back after he dumped you. Umm, what? Girl, don’t you have any self-respect? But what can you expect from a girl who was said to basically be this clumsy bitch who fell down two flights of stairs and then went through a window and
nobody was even surprised. Even her mum was like “yeah, that’s our Bella” and never suspected a thing.
Edward Cullen. Weren’t you like Cedric Diggory in the Goblet of Fire? Then you died and came back as a sparkling vampire? Does that happen to everyone that Voldemort kills? Like is Severus Snape dazzling around in Hogsmeade at the moment (I might have died with that image in my head)? Then you do the stupidest thing imaginable and fall in love with a girl who you could easily murder. And then you dump her clumsy ass because you realize that you could easily murder her. And then you came back to her when she prevented the Volturi from murdering you. Lots of murder going around, isn’t there? Is that like a secret theme of the saga or something? And a special mention to the guy who likes to watch a perfectly clueless girl to sleep. Creep.
Jacob Black. So, I don’t know if anyone else found this quite disturbing but Jacob like imprinted on a baby. And then everyone was cool with that because of the explanation going something like: “Yeah that’s like a wolf thing, you know. We can’t help it!” Maybe I could rob a bank and if I get caught, I could be like “Yeah that’s like a girl thing, you know. We can’t help it, the poor needs money for Prada!” And like every time he came around to help with something, it started with taking a shirt off? Don’t get me wrong, his abs were nice to watch but were you thinking that the abs would scare someone off? Like “oh my god I can’t
possibly try to kill Bella, look at that guy’s
abs!”
Alice Cullen. Like, that girl could teach a thing or two to Sybil Trelawney and she’s definitely more fashionable. But still, if I were a Cullen, I wouldn’t know what to think about a girl who just appears and tells that she will join the family, and also take the biggest bedroom all to herself. Could I do that with some rich guy? “I have seen that I will join your family and become your wife. Oh, and I will also claim your biggest walk-in-closet.” And then kind of hope that he won’t call the police or the nut house and ask if they did lose someone. Oh, and she definitely could benefit from some Shopaholics Anonymous group.
Carlisle Cullen. Soo, the one thing that really disturbs me is the fact that no-one questioned a 23-year-old-looking guy having five adoptive children, who are all attending high school. That kind of screams perv in fifty different languages to me. But no, people were all like “oh he’s just so noble and humble and generous”. He’s also an embodiment of a cliché called a hot doctor, the kind of guy that every other guy in Tinder thinks that every woman wants and then complains about it. (Newsflash, all women don’t want a hot doctor. They could settle with Jason Momoa.)
Aro Volturi. This guy is kind of scary. Not because he’s a vampire but because he behaves like a spoiled toddler. First of all, he’s this “gotta catch ‘em all” type of guy – and I’m not talking about Pokemons. He reminds me of me when I was about six and wanted to have every single Pokemon – one for each different species. If someone refuses, he throws a tantrum and basically starts a war after getting an excuse for it. Someone might think that if you were over a thousand years old, you would be able to control your emotions without going full-on Voldemort with your own followers to take down a family and their allies who just want to protect their precious child. Hmmmmm. This reminds me of one incident in a certain children’s book series. Maybe Aro is Voldemort? At least their style is similar – cloaks, lots of black, and a
very weird and awkward laugh.
