Title: The Thoughts That Drive You Insane
Author: Winga
Pairing: Draco/Harry
Rating: G/Sallittu
Genres: drama
Written for: Prompt: “Your fear, it moves me. Your weakness I taste. I breathe you, I hate you, you course through my veins. And now, and now you want me, you love me, and I hate myself. I need you, but I hate you, ‘cause I want nothing else.” – Die For You by Megan McCauley
Wordcount: 900
The Thoughts That Drive You Insane
You always had to be the one. The one I hated, the one everyone loved, the one I fell for.
The one for me.
I tried, you know. I tried to tell you. I wrote a letter in a secret language I somehow supposed you could understand. I sent it, by your owl, to you. I watched, the next morning, as you read it. Your brows drawn closer to each other, the way you tried to understand my words.
Then the Mudb- Granger took the letter. Or you gave it to her, I'm not sure which. She stared at it, read the words quietly and then she snapped her head up. She stared at me, shook her head whilst I turned my head away.
I never knew whether she had told you or not. Well, not until now, as you should know, standing there, staring down at me, keeping me where I am with that intense stare.
“I know.” The two words I have longed yet not. “I don't want you.”
It's a slap in the face but I should have known. But for some reason, I had waited for something else.
When you walk away, I know I'm screwed.
**
It takes exactly three months to understand how much I need you. I try to avoid you and I think you're doing the same for we don't cross paths. I have no idea why you would try to avoid me.
There are days you're looking for me, because I feel like you are everywhere I go. I can't understand why.
My feelings are mixed. I mean, I still hate you, but beneath it all, I need you. You're my oxygen and I need you. I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate it when I can't control my feelings.
**
Suddenly you've started being everywhere every day. I'm fearing the confrontation I know has to come. Day by day I feel happier yet angrier. Happier from seeing you just there, waiting for something but not trying to hex me. Angrier from the same thought because I'm not supposed to feel like this.
I've been walking without watching where I'm going when you appear in front of me stopping me.
“Malfoy,” you whisper and I feel my heart thud. “I lied to you.”
I raise my head, questioning his words.
“I do want you. Perhaps I even like you or more.”
I'm frozen to my place, staring intently into your eyes. “What are you saying?”
You lean into me and whisper in my ear: “I think I love you, Draco Malfoy.”
The words can't be real. Just a thought my mind decided to give me, to make me nervous, to make me want to kiss you and hit myself in the head. They must have been only my imagination. “I think I didn't quite catch that, Potter,” I say and when you smirk, I want to wipe it out of your face.
“Oh, I think you heard me perfectly well, Draco.”
**
I had fled, that moment, and got in my bed, wondering what in the Earth I was doing. Nothing smart, at least.
I'd kept banging my head to the wall until it was quite late at night and Blaise had to know what was wrong with me. I don't think he bought my story about hearing something bad from home. But he did leave me alone, saying I had to sleep and stop hurting myself.
“Who knows, perhaps you'll live whatever it was that got you into that state.”
Oh, I wish he knew. Then again not. He wouldn't understand.
**
Somehow I knew you'd find me the next day. I saw the determination in your eyes. The flash of green, the need to talk to me.
“You know you don't want it,” I find myself saying. “All the news about The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-Queer.”
You get so easily annoyed, I've noticed. At least by my words.
“Shut up, Malfoy,” you say and push me into the wall. “Or maybe I'll shut you up.”
You kiss me, then, and it's all so raw and I find myself kissing you back. You pull yourself back.
“And you're right, I don't want the news. I hate them. But for you,” you say, pushing into me and making my heart run so much faster, “I think I could live that for you.”
I stare at you in a shock wondering what is happening. I want to scream something along the lines 'What the hell is your problem?' and 'Please kiss me again'. I hit my head in the wall to get some sense into me.
You shook your head and bring your lips over mine, again. I can't not kiss you back even if I wanted to. The side of me wanting the kiss seems enthralled.
**
It takes two weeks to come in terms that I am, in fact, in a relationship. Blaise wonders why I'm happier and asks me why I'm still banging my head on the wall. “Sometimes, I don't understand you,” he says the third night and shakes his head at me.
You keep me wondering. I wait for the moment you decide you've had enough of me. I fear and await that moment as much as every moment you're with me, kissing me.
I still don't know what I'm feeling for you. Everything crashes in my head. The wall keeps me sane.
