Outsider, K11

[magrat]

// Alaotsikko: Sirius/Severus, drama, Englanniksi

Author: Magrat
Pairing: Sirius/Severus
Rating: K11 //zougati muokkasi vastaamaan uusia ikärajoja
Style: Drama, Romance, Angstish..

A/N: This is basically Severus's and Sirius's story. About from the end of their school until Halloween in The Prisoner of Azkaban.
It has been some time since I last wrote anything in English, so the beginning isn't that good. But I think the two final chapters, Speculations and Halloween, are pretty fluent.
Also, there are some things I have changed from the fandom. But mostly I have tried to go pretty much by the 'true' happenings. Hp lexicon helped me a lot!
And this is part of Kielihaaste, and FF100. Enjoy!

*

The Escape

His mind was all blank. There were no thoughts, no emotions, no hope, no passion, just the need. The need kept him alive, it was like an itch he couldn’t scratch but it reminded him that there was something to live for. There was something…

The Boy Who Lived is what they used to call him, and Sirius was proud to be his godfather. The minute he heard Harry had survived, he knew the boy was a fighter, like James, like him and just like them, he would keep fighting.

Sirius was no fool. He knew that there would be more to come. Harry would have to do much more than just survive.
He wasn’t the only one in Azkaban. There were other animagis, people who had as strong reasons to live as he had. In a form of a dog he could sense them clearly. Others were kept alive by love, others and most of them by anger, hate or revenge. Few were angry with Voldemort but mostly it was anger towards everyone else; they were too afraid to hate their former master.
Fear was something in common with everyone in Azkaban. All of the Death Eaters were afraid of Voldemort. That’s why even the sanest wizard wouldn’t try to break out. He felt safer inside, guarded by the Dementors, than out there in the wild, with others alike.

Sirius was only little different from the timid Death Eaters. He too was afraid, not of Voldemort but his own kind. He couldn’t be sure that those who knew him best wouldn’t say he was a murderer.
He was afraid to live the rest of his life as an outlaw, without being able to live around the ones he cared for. That wouldn’t be much different from the life in Azkaban.
But that fear was nothing compared to how horrified the Death Eaters were. Sirius had never been alone, he had never been in Hell, whereas those who had been under Voldemort’s command, had not just lived in Hell but also created and populated their Own Personal Hell. They knew exactly what it was they had to come, Sirius only had wild guesses.

Of course, Sirius didn’t think any of this. He couldn’t plan his escape, or dream about the life outside. It was more like an instinct, the animal inside him trying to survive the best possible way.
And so, he was outside.

For the first time in thirteen years Sirius felt the wind on his face, the surface of the ground under his feet, saw the pale light of the moon, smelled the air full of life. And he thought: “For the first time…” He could finally breath.
He was a dog and run smoothly over the green fields and slowly his mind became clear. First came the emotions, enjoy, passion, peace, excitement. He enjoyed the fresh air and the touch of the ground. He felt the freedom and open landscape.  He run and run didn’t matter where he was going; being outside was all he needed.

Finally, the adrenaline was run out and Sirius trotted a while before he stopped and lay down to breathe. He saw his hot breath steamed against the dark blue sky and he felt so good that tears became running from his eyes.
He laid there for a long time, breathing, tumbling on the ground, feeling the gross and little by little, he managed few thoughts.
Harry Potter. He would have to find out where he was. He wasn’t quite sure which date it was, but since fall wasn’t far away, Harry would be at school in a few months or so. Hogwarts reminded him of someone else he would have to meet. Sirius smirked as well as he could with a snout; suddenly he felt very clear indeed and the old rockets under his skin started to hiss.   

*

When Sirius realized there were Dementors around the castle, he almost cracked. He had been on a run for two months and had had barely enough to eat. He was weak and tired and he felt that one more misfortune would make him give up, turn himself in and even enjoy death.
He sat down just outside the border of the schoolyard. He was close to the Dementors but they couldn’t quite sense him. Last time he had sneaked out just under their noses, but this time he felt too weak. He wasn’t sure his human mind wouldn’t break through, wining about the tiredness, crying for relief, so he turned around and headed back to Hogsmeade.
His current ‘home’, the cave near the village was a mess. A human couldn’t have lived there, but it was fine for a dog. There were newspapers, rat skeletons and filth all over the place and the smell was almost alive. There was also peaces of paper, filled with his shaky handwriting. He had made notes about Harry during the few weeks he had spent nearby Harry’s house. Sirius had followed him around, making remarks about the routes he used to wonder when he was bored and just wanted to get out of the house. There were also mentions about Harry’s relationship with his cousin. For many times Sirius had witnessed their fights, laughed silently when Harry snapped at Dudley, and made him blush and go home to seek comfort from his mother. He reminded him so much of James.
Sirius was little ashamed of the notes, but somehow he couldn’t just throw them away. Maybe when could actually be with Harry, learn to know him and not just watch. Either way, he would never show them anyone.

For few days, Sirius just rested at the cave, ate as much as possible and got mentally ready to pass the Dementors. Next Friday he finally got the courage to run back to the castle.
He figured that it would be best to try passing during the day. At night, the Dementors were probably more intensive. They would have no one to guard them, so they could focus entirely on anyone trying to enter the castle. Sirius figured that during the days Dumbledore would probably be watching over the Dementors so there would be less of them and they would be more disturbed.
Of course, the pupils and teachers would be more active, but if he could pass during some lesson, most of the people would be in classes. Once he was inside, he would just have to find a peaceful place where to wait until the night.

Those With Loaded Guns

Sirius chose the dungeons to be the place where he would wait until the night. People mostly didn’t have on well in there, but for Sirius it was nicely peaceful and cool place to spend a while. All he had to worry about was the ghosts. Of course, they weren’t afraid for themselves but most of them had nasty urge to act like heroes in front of Dumbledore. Sirius had always hated ghosts in Hogwarts.

Sirius awoke suddenly. He had fallen asleep without noticing and it had been the kind of deep, unconscious sleep that humans slept. He was angry with himself for not paying attention.
In the torch light Sirius couldn’t figure how long he had been asleep. He tried to listen to the sounds of the castle, the pupils, moving around. He didn’t hear anything.
He waited for a moment, but then he had to move. He started walking the hall, heading north although it really didn’t matter since he had no idea where he was going. Suddenly he heard voices behind a door on his left. He barely managed to dive behind a rocky statue before a group of noisy first-graders came out of the door heading upstairs.
After he made sure they had all vanished around the corner and he couldn’t hear talking from the class, he sneaked into the room.

It was nice and dark inside the classroom. He watched around the barren room. There were about twenty-five desks in the middle of the room and the walls were covered with pickled animal parts and glass basins filled with colorful liquor.
There was no one inside, but Sirius could hear that there was someone in the closet behind the blackboard.
His transformation was just finished when the potion master stepped out of the closet.
“Hello Severus.”

Severus Snape wasn’t easily shocked, Sirius had to give him credit for that; he barely stirred. In fact, the only noticeable reaction was a tiny pause before he placed a box he was holding on the table.
“Sirius”, Severus said.
They stood still for a moment and then Severus focused on the content of the box. His moves were firm and relaxed, nothing denounced that he had just met a man he hadn’t seen in more than thirteen years.
Sirius found this very annoying and irritating. He had barely spoken for all those years and he needed the attention.
“Well, Sevvie, aren’t you going to ask me how I am?” he asked. He tried to keep his voice steady, but the bitterness, anger, frustration, hope, need, lust… everything was clearly visible.
“I can imagine.” Severus snapped. He stopped moving and turned suddenly around, pointing Sirius with his wand. “I know why you are here. And I can tell you, it’s killing me to say this, but I will not let you harm him. You will not harm any of the pupils in my school. I will report to Dumbledore.”
Sirius was surprised. It was all too quick. He didn’t know what to say.
He had expected to be questioned and he thought he had all the answers, but he didn’t. He just needed to be with someone, he couldn’t justify himself, not yet.
He smiled hopelessly.
“I have no wand and even if I wanted, I couldn’t run. Not right now. I have no strength to defense myself. And,” he sighed. “I will not harm Harry. I just want to see him and talk to him.” Then as if he was too exhausted to stand any longer, Sirius sat heavily on the desk behind him. “I am tired, Severus. I just need a place to stay. I want to sleep in a bed and eat proper food. Please, give me… Give me two days and then you can do whatever you want. I will not try to find Harry.”
Severus examined him for a long while. His eyes narrowed and his mouth became just a barely visible line under his nose. Slowly he lowered his wand. For the first time since he saw the skinny man in the shadows of his classroom, he actually looked at him.
It was Sirius. Sirius’ face and proud posture. Even after ten years in prison, starved, tired, bitter, his smirk had a hint of the man he used to be and his eyes were just the same. Severus had missed him.
“Very well”, he said quietly. “You can sleep at my bedroom and I will not reveal you until Monday.”
Sirius stepped closer and carefully hugged him.
He didn't dare to say it aloud, but gosh, he had miss Severus.

*

A/N: The title of the second chapter is from the movie: The Good the Bad and the Ugly

[magrat]

A/N: Tosi vaikea kirjoittaa mitään näin pitkää ja juonellista enkuksi. Aiemmin olen kirjoittanut vain sellaisia lyhyitä tunnelma pätkiä. Mutta olen todella kiitollinen, jos joku jaksaa tänne asti lukea.


The Mornings After

1978

Severus kissed Sirius’ back and smelled his hair. He smoothly run his fingers by Sirius’ backbone, counting every single vertebra. Then he leaned forward so that his mouth slightly touched Sirius’ ear.
“Honey, you have to wake up”, Severus said.
Sirius turned around and smiled. That was the cutest smile Severus had ever seen.
“I am high already”, Sirius said repeating their inside joke. “Besides, I have no plans today.”
“Yeah. Well Lucius is going to apparite into my living room in about ten minutes.” Sirius was already standing and picking up his clothes. Severus laughed and continued: “Not that I had anything against little threesome with my two sexy men.”
“Why didn’t you say anything like, ten hours ago!? He kills me if he finds me!! He is mad and you know that.”
Severus was stretching lazily on the bed. He had nothing to panic about.
“I love to see you run. You’re freaking hot, when you panic.”
“Fuck you, Severus. Fuck you.”
Then all he heard was a loud snap and Sirius was gone.

Severus closed his eyes again and smiled at Sirius’s face when he heard Lucius’s name.
“Still in bed, Snape?”
I hate you, Severus thought and opened his eyes. He gave Lucius a dull look and said:
“What can I say, I like to sleep.”
He hated the way Lucius came into his house and lifted every item, scanned all the open books and glanced behind the furniture. As if he was looking something. They were best friends if a man ever has one, but they didn’t trust each other.
“Where were you last night?” Lucius snapped suddenly.
Severus stood up and wasn’t disturbed being naked in front of Lucius. He crabbed a dark green hood and started to look for his wand.
“It’s between me and the Dark Lord”, Severus said calmly. He was little worried what would happen if this came out, but the lie was easier every time. Lucius glared at Severus, but didn’t say anything. He was clear, at least for now.
“You aren’t that important”, Lucius said and disapparited.
Severus sank into an armchair.
“Don’t you just love the morning after?” He asked Riddle, his owl who was hollering silently in the corner.


1980

“Severus, what is it?”
Sirius sounded worried. Severus was pale and shaky. He barely stood straight when he landed right in the middle of Sirius’s bedroom. Sirius took him by the arm and seated him on his bed.
“I didn’t… I have nothing. I mean I don’t know what to do. Sirius, He’s going to kill them. Lily, James, the baby, I mean Lily… It’s my fault.”
Sirius tried to catch his eyes.
“Severus! What? Are Lily and James in danger? What do you know, you have to tell me. Severus, this is important!”
“There is a prophet. It’s about the baby. He, they…”
He was too shocked, Sirius didn’t understand a word. He shook Severus by the shoulders and begged him to focus.
“Is they in danger? Is Harry in danger? You have to tell Dumbledore. He is the only who can help. Okay? You go see Dumbledore. He won’t ask questions if you just tell him what you told me. Okay? Will you go there?”
Severus was quiet now. There was some sort of calmness, but Sirius knew it wouldn’t last long. However, for now it was enough.
“Okay. I go”, Severus whispered. Sirius hugged him, but he didn’t hug him back.
“Okay. I make the house elf lead you.”
Severus nodded.

“Severus, I love you. Do you know that? I love you. You have to go now. I love you.” Sirius kept repeating until Severus was gone with the elf.

1981, November 1

Severus was already sitting by the fire at the Spinner’s End when Sirius arrived
Only the cracking sound of the fire broke the silence in the room. It was about four o’clock in the morning, but Sirius had already seen the slightest sings of celebration throughout the city. He was exhausted and had no reason for happiness.

Sirius walked carefully across the room and sat on the floor in front of Severus’s chair. The fire behind him warmed his back. He placed his head on Severus’s lap and rested.
They were both silent for a long while. Outside every upright person in the wizarding world was cautiously starting to come out in the streets, talk to other people, _smile. It was too early to celebrate, but soon there would be a party.  However, the two men in a little living room were silent and only thinking those they had just lost.

“I am sorry, Severus. I am so sorry.”
Severus startled as if he just noticed Sirius. He put his hand on Sirius’s head and stroked gently.
“What did you say?”
“I am sorry.”
“So am I.”
“I gave my motorcycle away.”
Severus paused for moment in amusement.
“But you loved that bike.”
“I know. I just think that I won’t need it anymore.”
“Why?”
Sirius lifted his head and smiled at Severus.
“I don’t want to talk about that. I want to be with you.”
“So do I.”
Severus leaned forward and kissed Sirius deeply.
The morning after Sirius woke before Severus and didn’t leave a note when he run off the house.

*

[magrat]

Speculations

In the end, Sirius stayed. Just for the time being, he was resting in the comfort of the dungeons with Severus.
Severus let him stay, but still insisted that Sirius was not to approach Harry Potter.

One Monday afternoon they were in Severus’s office.
Severus was preparing for the future lessons and Sirius strolled lazily examining the shelves.
Severus broke the silence that had easily fallen between them:
“Did you know Remus was in here?”
Sirius stopped and turned around to look at Severus. He was carefully cutting swell shark parts and seemed plunged into his work.
Sirius leaned on a desk behind him before answering.
“Yes. I kind of… figured it out of your speech. He is doing Defence Against the Dark Arts, right?”
Severus kept working.
“Yes.”

Sirius would have wanted to ask more about his best friend, but he figured that Severus was not in the mood, so he changed the subject.
“Do you like to teach? You could be an expert working for the Ministry if you wanted. Better salary, benefits, more appreciating audience?”
Severus snorted.
“It is not a matter of choice. Ministry would not let me step a foot inside their buildings.”
“Well then, what is it like to be trusted by no one?” Sirius challenged him.
“That is the same question I could ask from you. What is it like to be trusted by no one?” Severus said finally turning around.

His face was so serious it melted Sirius’s hart. He stepped forward and put his arms around Severus.
“I trust you”, he smiled playfully.
Severus stroked his neck and slightly squeezed his hair.
“No you do not. And I do not trust you. That is the beauty in us.”
They kissed passionately.

*

At times Sirius loved his position in the dungeons, being the Potion master’s secret lover, the rebel who had escaped from Azkaban and from whom he could read on the news every day.
But at the same time it made him inpatient and anxious. He had spent almost thirteen years in one room and he did not escape to face the same sort of life outside.

Sometimes they had sex three times a night just because Sirius felt like he could not have just laid still.
At some nights, despite Severus’s protests, he went outside in a form of a dog, just to be able to run and see the world.
Despite all this, he became more and more irritated. He snapped at Severus whenever he had the slightest reason and they had terrible fights, after which Severus always was worried that someone heard their yelling. That got Sirius even angrier.
“You are a pussy and coward, Severus. You have never had the spirit in you”, Sirius could say when they had both lowered their voices. Severus knew that he did not mean it, nor it was true, remembering all the time they had secretly visited each other, while he was a Death Eater and Sirius part of the Order, but still he could not just let it go. For too many times he had been accused for cowardness over the years.

Once the situation evolved so far they ended up fighting with wands. Sirius slept at the office that night.
“I cannot do this anymore”, Sirius said the morning after. “I cannot stay in one place any longer. Please, let me just talk to Harry before I go. I just need to see him. I promise, I then will leave and not make any more harm.”
Severus’s eyes narrowed. He still could not trust Sirius. The man was snappy and in prison he had gained primitive anger that Severus now could sense almost all the time.
“I will not let you see him. He is a student and when it comes to you he is in my responsibility. If I let you see him and anything would happen, I could not forgive myself.” Nor would Dumbledore, Severus added himself.
“I don’t care anymore. I will leave tomorrow and see Harry, whether you let me or not.”