Author: Beatrix Bones
Title: The Extended Case of the Hobbit
Fandom: Hobitti/LotR
Genre: Huumori, parodia
Rating: K11
Warnings: Mainintoja mielisairaudesta ja insestistä
Disclaimer: Kaikki tunnistettava kuuluu omille luojilleen, mm. Tolkien, George R.R. Martin jne. Minä vain parodisoin.
A/N: Telkkarissa pyörii tällä hetkellä Hobitti ja satuin eilen verestämään muistojani kaikkien meemien ja Honest Trailers -sarjan osalta, josta sain inspiksen kirjoittaa tällaisen. Aiemmin tällaisen olen tehnyt Game of Thronesista (pitäisi siitäkin varmaan tehdä up-to-date -versio, kun vuoden 2015 jälkeen on ehtinyt tapahtua). Tämä fic on englanniksi, koska jotenkin tämän tyylinen kirjoittaminen toimii mun mielestä paremmin englanniksi ja pääsen kirjottamaan myös muuta kuin akateemista englantia, joten iso plussa.
Ficissä on ympäripyöreitä viittauksia muihin sarjoihin/leffoihin ja myös tähän vallitsevaan koronatilanteeseen, koska mä yritän repiä tässä sosiaalisen etäännyttämisen keskellä siitäkin jotain huumoria, jotta kotona kököttämisestä tulisi vähän kivempaa. Enjoy!
The Extended Case of the Hobbit
The most of you have watched or at least heard about the movie trilogy The Hobbit, which is based on one children’s book. I mean, one. Fucking. Book. And it has about three hundred pages. Actually, it reminds me of one line from Bilbo Baggins on the Lord of the Rings: “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.” I feel you, Bilbo. Like I get why Peter Jackson might have wanted to film another trilogy but seriously. Three. Hundred. Pages. The Lord of the Rings had over a thousand and the books were, also,
a trilogy. How much money did New Zealand’s Tourist Department offer him to turn one book into three movies?
Then, let’s discuss about some of the characters.
Bilbo Baggins. The only one to ever read the terms and conditions before checking the 'I agree' checkbox. Maybe we should start too if the terms include anything along the lines of not taking any liability if you are burned alive for some reason. Bilbo was offered a job as a burglar and wasn’t he that, indeed. To steal a ring from Gollum. How rude. That wasn’t your job! Your only job was to steal the Arkenstone from Smaug but then you stole it from Thorin, too. Oh my fucking god. Don’t they train thieves anymore? In addition, he made the famous quote about going on an adventure which has been turned into a meme for the people to use during the coronavirus pandemic. “Stay the fuck home!” “No, I’m going on an adventure!” No, you’re not.
Thorin Oakenshield. I thought that the dwarves were not supposed to be so damn hot (and oh my GOD have you heard him sing in the first movie!?) because of, well, the Lord of the Rings. Like, what happened between the Hobbit and The Fellowship of the Ring? Did the hot dwarves go extinct or something? Like were all the hot ones in Moria? Oh, and Thorin’s the perfect example of what too much power and money can do to you – okay, maybe a better example is Joffrey from Game of Thrones, but he was just a dick and that also runs in his family, just like alcoholism. Thorin just goes nuts, and then decides…
not to be nuts anymore? What? I don’t know what he took but could that be produced in the real world, too?
Thranduil, aka the Khaleesi, the King of the Woodland Realm, or the Woodland Sprite as I like to call him. But who am I kidding, he’s so hot and makes my pants drop every time I watch the films. He’s always smirking at everything as if he knows that every girl is drooling after him. However, he’s so fabulous that I think he might be gay. I mean, no straight guy can be that breathtaking. And look at his manners, they are just screaming “Bitch I am no elf king, I’m a queen!” He’s truly fifty shades of bitch please.
Legolas. He. Isn’t. Even. In. The. Book. I mean, come on! First you make him come back and then make him look about a hundred years older in the Hobbit than in the Lord of the Rings although the latter happened almost a hundred years after the Hobbit. Or is there some kind of
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button thing going on that I don’t know about? I mean, he looks older than his father! Do elves age backwards?
Gandalf the Grey. He always keeps disappearing on his quests that turn out to be more dangerous than the original one. And then others have to save him, like Radagast and Galadriel and other elves, and Saruman (wait, Saruman was on the good side in the Hobbits, right?). How in the hell is everyone still listening to him? Because he’s old, grey and a wizard? Almost like… Dumbledore? You know, Dumbledore’s done some very questionable choices of his own, too. I wouldn't listen to a guy who basically tries to convince you to travel with them a long way to steal some rock that's guarded by a mean-ass dragon and you might die but that's okay. But that's just me.
Smaug. I was kind of disappointed that he didn’t turn out to be Dracarys and fly back to the Khaleesi of the Woodland Realm. How cool would that have been? But no, instead he just tried to burn a whole town down to the ground. Hmmm. That makes me wonder whose dragon does he remind me of? Maybe he’s Drogon, after all. Or those three dragons have a long-lost cousin and burning cities runs in the family. I don't know.
Gollum. Oh, yes, my precious, the perfect example of multiple personalities disorder. Maybe that’s what happens when you live alone for too long? Almost like a warning of what happens if this social-distancing quarantine thing lasts longer? At some point you just start to argue with yourself: “What’s that, precious? Is that… spaghetti again?” “We hates the spaghetti. We hates it forever!” And when the quarantine is over everyone is going to be like “We told him to go away… and away he goes. Gone, gone, gone! Smeagol is free!” Although I’m pretty sure that you can’t just tell the virus to go away.
Tauriel. Or, actually, Kate from Lost. Why is she there? To kill a few bad guys for a good reason? To fall in love with a guy only to see him die? Who does that remind me of? Oh yeah, Kate from Lost.
