fandom: criminal minds
paritus: moreid
warnings: hampaat sulaa fluffyä
rating: s
disclaimer: mitään en omista enkä saa rahaa rip
a/n: jos musta ois kii nii en koskaan kirjottais mitään muuta ku character study ficcejä tbh
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It’s the small things that get him, still.
Derek isn’t new to dating. And yet, with Spencer, everything seems new. Shiny. Like the tags are still attached.
He keeps discovering new things, but mostly it’s noticing things that have always been there in a new way. The way his throat moves when he swallows. The way the light bounces off his hair, his eyelashes. The way his eyes change color. None of it comes as a surprise to him, none of it is unfamiliar, but it’s still all new to him, somehow. He’s adjusting.
Spencer – he isn’t used to dating and he, too, is still unsure, nervous, bouncier than usual, like he’s ready to flee any moment, but for him it’s – it’s easier. He’s falling into it like it’s natural, like it’s what he’s been waiting for his whole life. His hands are getting so sure when they trace Derek’s jaw and neck and the back of his hand like they’re meant to be right there, to mold around the shapes of him, the bumps and ridges of his uneven jaw and Derek is falling so hard but in a completely different way, he’s spiraling right out of control and it’s terrifying.
And he does like it – the heady feeling of sinking into the, let’s say vanilla bean scented bubbles of love, or being tangled up with Spencer and his too-long limbs on the couch or in bed ten minutes before he wakes up and how he can’t seem to wrap his mind around the fact that they’re sharing a bed and body heat, and clothes, most of the time, and it makes him want to cry or punch stuff or bite his knuckles until they bleed or stand in the shower for an hour wishing he could scrub Spencer from underneath his skin and wash him down the drain, feel the water run cold, turn the shower off, have breakfast, pretend that everything is normal. But he doesn’t. The alarm rings and Spencer’s head lifts up from the pillows and he’s beautiful and Derek wants to kiss him but he doesn’t because Spencer doesn’t like to be kissed before he brushes his teeth and damn, he makes Derek’s heart hurt without doing anything. The moment passes. Derek smiles. Spencer doesn’t, but that’s alright. He will after his fourth cup of coffee. By then he will also kiss Derek. The thought makes him smile harder.
It’s like those love songs he likes, the ones he listens to because he likes the beat, but nowadays he’s listening to the lyrics and singing along and with every word his heart sings, “I love you I love you I love you”, and his mouth sings “every day since I met you” and Spencer is all soft smiles soft eyes soft skin and he’s all “how did I ever get so lucky” and Spencer is all “statistically–” and then Derek is all over him and then they’re usually on the floor or on a couch or on any other available horizontal surface because Derek thinks that if he doesn’t do something he might explode from how much he loves this boy, and Spencer loves him back fiercely, with his eyes and hands and mouth and every last bit of his heart, and in the background the radio keeps singing as Derek mouths at the curve of Spencer’s throat while his heart is still singing “o, my love, o darling boy”. And the fingers at the base of his skull are still something too beautiful to put into words.
He doesn’t think Spencer has noticed, with the effort he’s put into being casual about it. He isn’t dumb, but he can be a little oblivious, and it’s – he doesn’t want to say he’s glad, because the kid deserves to be loved freely, openly, passionately, without ulterior motives and every time Spencer looks surprised when he kisses him for no particular reason Derek’s heart breaks because damn, he’s had to fight for every little scrap of love he could get and keep for himself his whole life and he just doesn’t want to be another “maybe if you deserve it I will love you right” to him, but. It always comes down to a But. ‘But’ he’s scared of what people will think. ‘But’ he’s scared what Spencer will think. ‘But’ he’s scared what his mother will think. Maybe he just wants to keep this part of their relationship to himself for now. For a little while, at least. Maybe he doesn’t want to admit it to himself but he’s scared of where loving Spencer leaves him - vulnerable. An easy target. Soft all around.
Love tends to do that, he supposes- it makes you soft. Easy to surprise.
Spencer. His hair. His lips. His hands. The freckles like solar systems across his back. All soft. All lovely.
Derek supposed being soft might not be so bad.
