Title: The Mischievous Case of How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Author: Beatrix Bones
Rating: K11
Genre: Huumori, parodia
Disclaimer: En omista the Grinchiä.
A/N: Mun ehdoton lempparijoululeffa on the Grinch (Yksin kotona -leffojen lisäksi) ja tää on pakko katsoa joka joulu. Tää leffa myös vain odotti parodiaansa, koska siis. No, näätte kyllä.
The Mischievous Case of How the Grinch Stole Christmas
The greatest Christmas movie of all time if you hate to watch all those lovey-dovey Christmassy movies where a man and a woman first hate each other and then love each other. And then they hate each other again until one of them realizes what they’ll lose if they don’t get them back. What a surprise for a plot.
The Grinch, on the other hand, is the go-to movie for us who love Christmas but are also a little mischievous and somehow find ourselves relating to the main character way more than to those ordinary girls who fall in love with a Christmas prince. The character, whom parents use as a threat to make their children behave before Christmas. Just like telling them that elves are watching them - but… don’t they realize how fucked up that sounds? Basically the parents are threatening their children with 200-year-old midgets who are creeping behind the windows and watching kids. Just saying.
But, then, I have to address an aspect that makes me question the sanity of the screenwriter. The names. Cindy Lou Who, Lou Lou Who, Betty Lou Who, Martha May Whovier, Whobris, Who The Fuck. This sounds like a work made by a person who doesn’t remember anyone’s name and just calls everyone by the same name. Maybe a Karen has come up with the names in a true Karen style: “Who are you”, “Who is that” or “Don’t you know who I am”. According to a Karen, everyone can be a Who.
Furthermore, has anyone else noticed just how much you can relate to
the Grinch? Like how he dislikes the children. “Hello, little child” is like me if I were to end up teaching like I was supposed to. Oh those poor children (poor doesn’t really describe my thoughts but I just don’t want to be mean, you know), how they would’ve been traumatized if I were to teach them… Or what about
the Grinch’s schedule? It’s like straight from my calendar when a guy asks me on a Tinder date. The audacity! To ask me for a date? Don’t they know how busy I am?
- One o’clock, wallow in self-pity. Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all. The neighbor, of course.
- Four-thirty, stare into the abyss. And most preferably you should just lay on a cold floor to really feel the excitement and necessity of this task.
- Five o’clock, solve world hunger - tell no one. Naturally, one has to solve one huge problem per day and then just simply watch the world burn when one world leader first prefers to look directly at a solar eclipse and then shares a great deal of medical advice for citizens to follow.
- Five thirty, Jazzercise. One must keep their figure on point and always remember to wear your fitness watch in order for it to record something else than your walks from the sofa to the fridge. Which have actually been the only trips I’ve been taking during the pandemic since travelling abroad was first banned for a good deal of time and then there wasn’t time for travelling.
- Six thirty, dinner with me. As with the Grinch, it’s just preposterous to think that I would cancel my dinner with the best company, that’s - you know - me. The last time I cancelled my dinner alone for a guy, I ended up for a walk-of-shame and that wasn’t pretty.
- Seven o’clock, wrestle with my self-loathing. It’s also important to remember all those embarrassing moments regarding what you did ten years ago on November 10th at 9 o’clock in the morning when you were supposed to answer your teacher’s questions and say “whole or world” but then your words somehow stuck together and you called him a whore instead. Just delightful.
And then
the Grinch just stole the Christmas. To be honest, the Whos had it coming since they had the audacity to make the Grinch re-do his schedule to make him participate their Christmas show that would've been enough for anyone to get PTSD. I think it’s perfectly understandable that you vacuum all the presents, Christmas trees and ornaments just because you have a grudge that’s been rubbing you the wrong way since the 1950s and then re-doing your schedule for nothing… that must’ve been the last straw. But then. I don’t know what happened. Did someone brainwash
the Grinch? Did Elon Musk get to you? Or how did you just give everything back? Surely not to make the children happy?
Oh how much more entertaining
the Grinch was when he was just hate hate hating, double hating and loathing everyone entirely. Why does everything have to be ruined with happy endings, fairness and fucking rainbows shooting out of your ass?
